Stasis

It's hard to move on when you don't know what's coming.  Fiona is still up for sale and there are still people coming to see her, so it's impossible to make long term plans for now.  This leaves me in a unique form of stasis.  On the one hand, I want to spoil my mare.  I want to buy her things, cuddle with her, really be invested in her but at the same time I know she may very well not be mine for long.  It doesn't make sense to buy her equipment.  While I have her, competition budget is limited by having two horses.  I can't really move.

It's a weird, awkward, uncomfortable feeling.  I'm trying to put some distance between myself and the princess so I can better cope with the fact that she's for sale.  It's a bit more difficult when she's absolutely adorable and snuggly.  She's been fabulous to ride lately, other than having some yahoos due to spring and moving to the summer barn.  She's always a handful for a week or two after moving outside.  All that fresh air and open space just goes right to her head.  Of course, her version of being bad is to be overly forward and shake her head. She's soooo bad.  Really, she's bad.  She promises.  Dorkzilla has been out with an abscess, so his owner has been putting in rides on Fi and has really enjoyed their time together.  I feel a lot of pride when I hear how pleasant she is, how responsive and educated she's become.

At the same time, I'm riding Ben.  He's not Fiona.  He's Fiona's absolute polar opposite.  He hates dressage, he loves to jump.  He's a bit of a chicken and doesn't hack out with other horses.  He has a decent spook, particularly around piles of equipment and people running around.  He is an amazing, amazing horse to jump.  He is such a joy to ride, but such a meathead as a personality.  I feel like I need a bullhorn sometimes so I can yell "Hello, meathead!  I'm up here!  Pay attention!".  I might possibly need pompoms.  But he saves my bacon over fences and is so . . . him.  I've always considered myself a senior TB gelding addict, and he's exactly my type. He's just a big, dorky, kind gentleman of a horse that is convinced the shed is going to eat him.

Despite the weird feeling, I'm going ahead with my plans to debut with Ben at Novice in June.  I can live off of ramen for a bit to get a chance to show this handsome hunk of a TB.  He's got two May outings with his other rider, so it should be a recipe for success.  Tiny jumps, easy dressage, slow cross country.  I can just leave him in his lazy hunter mode and enjoy my day.

I have started to feel a tickle of something with him that I haven't felt in awhile.  Probably not since August last year.  I'm pretty sure it's hope.  Hope that I can really make my move to Training this year.  Hope that our lessons at Novice that are so easy and amazing will continue and that I'll be able to head into competition feeling like 'we've got this, just sit back and watch'.  A small, traitorous part of me is hoping that Fi finds her new dream home so I can throw all of my time and resources into Ben and finally have that summer.

But for now, I wait.