Overdue update

I've been busy.

So we went to a couple of away shows and had some big wins and some setbacks which is pretty much par for the course.  On the highlights, I'm qualified for regionals at Second and got the score I needed for my freestyle.  We got as high as 65% from an S judge and went as low as a 58%.  Theo is so polarizing.  But every single test he marched down centerline and went to work like the school master he is.  Good, bad, or indifferent scores, he looked confident and happy every single test.  Even when I had an epic anxiety attack fueled meltdown in the warm up for no discernable reason.  Sure couldn't tell I thought I was going to puke when we hit centerline.

Let's also talk about how much I love my new burgundy coat.  I bought it on a whim at the NEDA Spring show because I kept walking past it and staring at it.  I've never worn a cut away coat and kept thinking it would look terrible on me.  Eventually I bought it and I have zero regrets.  I had the perfect matching browband in Theo's jewelry box and felt like a million bucks when we went down centerline.  I also ordered my very first pair of custom boots, hopefully they'll be here in time for regionals.  My shopping at NEDA was kind of insane but I was embracing my horse show life.

This is the grin of someone feeling completely safe because she's about to ride in with her bff

I debuted my Darth Vader freestyle at GMHA!  Theo definitely embraced the dark side in this test: "There is no peace, there is only passion".  He walked into the white ring where we have shown many times, took one look at the large audience that was perfectly silent, and tried to nope out.  First he jumped straight up a couple feet at the in gate and then froze.  Huh, that was a surprise.  Then he pulled his infamous left spin to try to vacate as I tried to walk around the ring past the audience.  The audience was so polite, not even moving as he spooked.  Unfortunately, this made it so much worse as he never registered them as people.  Fortunately I walked in as soon as the rider ahead of me saluted so I was able to wait and let him decide it was okay.  I never trotted, just walked and pet him as he tippy toed past the audience.  They rang the bell and I immediately put my hand up for my music.  

Theo was Theo and became a complete professional as soon as we hit center line.  He pulled a flying change in the counter canter heading toward the audience in both directions in the exact same spot (yay, symmetry?) which killed one of our best movement scores but we still got a qualifying score for regionals.  When he was good, he was very good and the judges liked the music and choreography.  I knew if I got him on centerline we would be fine because Theo does love his job.  And I know my choreography well enough to make up for issues when he's reluctant to go on one side of the ring.

We did have some issues with him going above the bit due to his distraction and me feeling like I was holding the whole thing together by the skin of my teeth but I was very proud of him for doing a technically challenging Second level freestyle while keeping an anxious eye on the audience.  There was a lot that the judges liked.  He better get used to audiences because freestyle really seems to be our strongest test.

I had a really good run at Third on the last day of GMHA but my tired pony didn't have enough in the trot work to save my one botched turn on the haunches and a drop change which each got 4s, we got a 59.7.  SIGH.  So close.  Painfully, torturously close to that score.  High score for the AA riders in that class but not quite there.  Theo had stressed his left hind during his ridiculous spook the day before so my left turn on the haunches was big by plan.  My right to left change got me a 6 and was totally boring (WIN).  My left to right was on the aids, organized, no drama, but a drop change for the 4.  His tired topline meant a gait score of 6 so I had zero room for errors.  But what a nice, civilized, organized test.  It was a big step forward for us.  

It was an awesome last test for us, I was so proud.  I managed to hit the 'big boy dressage' button in warm up and rather than kicking, I was suddenly hanging on for dear life.  His last extended trot in that test was absolutely the best we have ever done in competition, Trainer Z was so proud.  The judge was not buying Theo's gaits but I know that was every single molecule of trot Theo is physically capable of giving and I was delighted with him.  Every movement was on the aids and planned.  It was day four which is so hard for both of us but we laid down a trip that looked completely appropriate for the level.  I don't think we had the right judge for us as Theo doesn't move like other dressage horses and some judges are more willing to reward a horse doing the best they can in their body but I also have to acknowledge that if I'm going to ride this horse, there will be challenges.  As Pam said in our clinic, with Theo, I have to be perfect.  I don't have big fancy gaits to fall back on.  We have to be technically perfect and leave no points behind.  Botching both a change and a turn on the haunches just isn't good enough.

I've definitely knocked off the horse show rust at this point.  Hopefully that means there will be no more warm up ring meltdowns, that sucked.  I've also rebuilt my collection of coats (blue, black, and burgundy) and matching stock ties/browbands.  Hopefully I'll have new boots soon (I got an update that they've been cut out!).  Theo has a new tub of show supplies and I've got a system for all of my gear again.  I have learned that four days is my absolute maximum and I must take extra steps to hold up that long.  For NEDA Spring, I lost feeling in my left hand on the fourth day as the impacts caught up with me and my inflammation got out of control.  That kind of affected my riding, especially on a tired horse, and got me a 58%.  At GMHA I was aggressive with the NSAIDs and icing my neck so I had all of my limbs functioning going into day 4.

Seriously, could not feel my left hand at this point

I'm showing again next weekend to try to get the last score I need to do my freestyle at regionals.  I never show in July but I'm making an exception to do a day trip and try for that last score.  I would enjoy doing my Darth Vader freestyle at regionals if the fates align.  After that its a quick trip for Kiki to a breed show, then I'm on break.  I am off to Chicago for an academic conference while Theo is taking his leaser to D4K for her first big dressage show.  He gets to be an absolute packer at Training level for that weekend and I truly think this is going to be a great experience for his leaser.  Theo can be an absolute PITA but when he hits centerline he puts on a show.

I'm so, so tired after serious riding 2/3 times a week for a couple months but one more show before I get to take my break.  Taking Kiki to a breed show will be a relief after this campaign.  Not that we've been completely slacking on her.

But we'll talk about her next time.

Tiny tumble

 You can't ride horses if you're not willing to fall off.  Yes, I'm supposed to be limiting my exposure to rapid decelerations assisted by the ground but the reality of riding is that it's going to happen eventually.  I have only fallen off Theo once and it was for a ridiculous reason while I was goofing off.  I've sat all of his rodeo worthy broncs over the years but while not paying attention, I tipped out of the saddle and landed on my butt.

Did that again today except today it was during a botched flying change heading into the end of the arena.  We had a miscommunication, Theo had no idea what I wanted, tried to do a last minute change with a leap/buck and then had to turn to avoid hitting the end of the arena.  The overly flying change was not a surprise but I thought we were going right.  Theo thought we were going left.  We had a parting of the ways as I expected to have a horse under me to the right while he was trying to carry me to the left but my butt wasn't really in the saddle.  I basically flopped off much to the surprise of Theo, Trainer Z, and me.

Theo enjoying a snack with his PRE stallion neighbor who is ridiculously sweet

I was laying on the ground, looking up at my worried horse, and all I felt was relief.  I'd gotten it out of the way.  Theo didn't try to unload me or do anything bad, we just had a miscommunication and I lost my balance when he scrambled.  I landed on my lower back with not much momentum since we'd been in a collected canter.  Head and neck were not involved.  It wasn't scary in any way.  Painful to fall off a 16h cantering horse but once I'd taken stock of my body, I got up and got back on.  

Poor Theo was horrified.  The first thing I saw when I looked up was his gigantic nose squished against me with the whites showing in his eyes.  I immediately started petting his nose and telling him he was okay.  When Trainer Z reached for his bridle to back him up I swear he shook.  Poor baby, he really thought he'd screwed up.  People so rarely fall off of him and he really hates it.  He'll unload people with full intent but his people?  His special people?  He never, ever drops his people.  Even if I didn't want to get back on, I needed to for his sake.  He was seriously shook.  I got back on, assessed the situation, and then we went back to the canter.  We did most of the exercise again but skipped the change since I was sore and he was rattled.  Then he got a nice groom and back to bed.

And now I'm on the couch with a heating pad for my poor back.  Chiro appointment is tomorrow.  I'm going to have a spectacular bruise.  And here I thought I was going to get hurt putting blankets on all of the babies but that went perfectly.  Kiki is already outgrowing her borrowed 63" so I'm getting her some ridiculous blankets that she will probably destroy.

Such an elegant filly, pity her mom likes silly blankets

Someone is looking pretty cobby these days.  And feral.  Of course she walked into the barn and got blanketed with no drama but then she led the babies on a 'let's try to get rid of our blankets' run once she was loose.  It's now four fillies in that field, the two yearlings and the two weanlings.  I held the weanlings while they got their first blankets on.  The drama was limited but appropriately dramatic.  Glad we did that before I encountered the ground, I don't think I could contain a rearing, spinning weanling right now.

Hope

 Third time is a charm, right?

He has no business being this pretty

Third ride back and I feel fine.  I did have my first encounter with 'omg it's going to kill me' Theo when the arena doors dared to slide against each other and creak as we were trotting past.  Fortunately I've ridden that enough times to know reflexively how to stop him.  Hold the left rein like it's the only thing keeping you alive and sit back.  He stopped straight and stared.  Trainer Z was on supervisor duty and decided to latch the doors to stop the noise rather than have us have a set back.  And then we marched off and acted like nothing had happened.  Kind of glad we got that out of the way.  I still know how to get deep in the saddle and how to stop that spin before it can start.  Theo stopping straight isn't a problem.  That spin?  Let's just not do that, papi.

I actually rode him enough to get him breathing hard.  It's a good thing, Trainer Z is taking him to a clinic tomorrow and it's his first trip off property in a long time.  But she noted my strength, fitness, and confidence appear to be fine now and asked if I'd like to get back into formal lessons rather than supervised free riding.  Yay!  Next weekend I'm camping but in two weeks, it's back to the grindstone so she can fix my wayward hands and teach me how to correctly ride my Third Level pony that she has all tuned up.  I couldn't get a clean canter-walk today so I know it's time to get back to formal training for me as well as Theo.

Mom is still crooked, news at 11

I did some sitting trot to check that out and it wasn't bad.  Just a couple minutes and I can tell that it's something that's going to require careful management but we can at least work on it.  Theo's trot is appalling to sit but I only need to do it for three minutes or so at a time to get through a Third Level test.

Am I thinking about that Bronze again?  You betcha.  And why not?  I may be embarrassed to have my trainer get on my horse first at the show but that shouldn't stop me from finishing what we started. 

Watching Trainer Z work with Sparklepants

Once Theo's going Third in the show ring with Trainer Z, I want to take a shot at those last two scores.  Last year I couldn't ride more than thirty minutes without suffering the next day and couldn't really sit the canter.  Now I'm riding 45 minutes with real work and doing fine with nothing more than some Advil that night.  Who knows what I'll be able to do in 2023?  And he's very polite about his changes now that he understands the request.  They're about 75% confirmed right now, per Trainer Z.  Once I'm back in formal lessons, I can learn how to ask for them correctly.  I don't need to win, I just need two 60's.  

Yes, I'm starting to hope again.  We may not be done just yet.

So far so good

 Another Saturday, another lesson.  After our success last week, I came into my lesson today with the goal of seeing what the world of the possible is.  Can I really ride my horse?  What is my limit?  I tacked up and hopped on with the intent of not riding like a w/t up down student.  I was schooling Third, damn it, I can at least pick up a contact.

Trainer Z left us mostly to our own devices since the whole goal is for me to figure out my new normal.  I pushed Theo's buttons a bit and he tested me to see if I was serious about things like taking a contact on the right rein and listening to my left leg.  Seriously, Theo, it's been seven damn years.  Yes, I am serious about you getting off my left leg.  I even did a canter lengthen while saying 'wheee!' at him to encourage him to actually push.  

In some ways, it's like I never left.  We worked on shoulder in, filling the outside rein in both directions, and transitions.  A million and one transitions.  It's lovely sitting on him when he's in professional training because he's already supple, fit, and symmetrical.  I just have to work on me.  I sat trot a bit to see what I've got.  I don't know if I'll be able to sit a medium but the collected wasn't bad.  I ended up working him for 45 minutes and it was an actual ride.  He actually yawned with his post-work super soft eyes in the cross ties so I felt like I accomplished something.

As for me?  I'm not perfect.  I'm comfortable but I can tell I've got some inflammation.  I took some Advil and I'm doing some ice.  It's not bad but I'm being cautious.  If I'm good tomorrow, then I'll say 45 minutes of actual riding with some sitting trot is in the realm of the possible.  Not enough to keep Theo in work all by myself but enough that I can ride him in a lesson once a week and start to get my groove back.

Trainer Z was very happy to see us actually working with him on the contact.  Not a Second level frame yet but a lot better than last week.  And Theo is such a ridiculous cuddle bug.  I swear if he could fit in my pocket, he would.  Not everyone knows how much he likes having the insides of his ears brushed with his tail brush and he appreciated my knowledge of the details.  It may just be me projecting but he does seem happy to see me.  

Trainer Z and I also had a talk about the future.  Theo has a clinic on Monday and has entered his first show of the season in June.  I've also booked a choreographer to get his Second level freestyle started for a hopeful fall debut with Trainer Z.  And one other exciting potential plan but we'll see what comes of that.  

What the heck happened?

 This is a question I've asked myself a lot recently and Trainer Z asked before my lesson.  How did I go from riding 5 times a week to not being able to ride at all so quickly?  In 2019 I was riding very regularly.  Sitting trot, big bucks, all of it.  My last show was fall of 2019 and I was riding Second Level complete with multi-day show theatrics from Theo.  By February I was seeing a doctor because of my involuntary head movements.  By spring I was out of the saddle and by summer, I had a diagnosis I didn't want.  If this is a decade old injury, what the heck happened?  Why did I have to stop riding?

Sitting the trot, NBD

There's two working theories after talking to my PCP, neurologist, and chiro.  Both link to the summer of 2019 and my two ER visits.

I had that nasty bout of Lyme disease that sent me off to ER due to high fever and not being able to turn my head because my neck was in so much pain.  They thought I had meningitis.  In hindsight, my whole body was inflamed and it certainly set off the damage in my neck that I wasn't even aware of yet.  I've had trouble in the past with my neck being stiff and sore but never enough to really register as a problem.  Lyme certainly made me aware that neck pain SUCKS.  Anytime I mention Lyme occurring just before symptoms start I get sighs from the professionals.  Lyme is such a pain in the ass.  It was treated promptly and I shouldn't be a chronic case.  Shouldn't being the key word.  It's not like they can test for it.  It will forever be just a coincidence.

I also had that incident where I got clobbered by a 2x6 when Theo tore the fence apart at GMHA.  No concussion but I took the hit across the back of my shoulder and my neck.  I remember laying in that ditch while my body felt like it was rebooting.  I also remember my neck and back hurting quite a bit afterward.  

Either incident could have taken my neck from potential problem to actual problem.  The two happening about a month apart?  Yeah, that was not ideal.  Of course my little head tic was assigned to my anxiety since no one ever saw me do it and it's not a typical symptom of nerve impingement.  It wasn't until a doctor actually saw it and tested some of my neurological functions that they realized something else was going on.

Everything in the imaging is old, cold, and set so if the head clobber incident caused problems, they should be over.  Lyme, on the other hand, can take a long time to settle down.  Like years.  It's only been in the last couple months that I've started to feel normal again.  My involuntary head movements have stopped.  After my ride on Saturday, I saw the chiro on Monday.  She said everything felt good and my body was completely normal.  Well, normal for me.  Woohoo!  I still have scoliosis and a twisted pelvis but that's normal.  For me.  Seriously, it's whacky sitting on Theo when he's all symmetrical and almost forcing me to ride him evenly.

Told you you're crooked, mom

Oh, remember my left shoulder that would just fail sometimes?  The one that plagued me with Fiona when jumping and Theo would cause to fail?  Guess what that is now attributed to?  Impinged nerve.  So glad I didn't let them talk me into rotator cuff surgery.  Apparently my scoliosis is the reason I ride crooked and the reason my left arm is prone to problems.  My arm has been consistently functional since I started getting regular adjustments.  The lingering issues from my little neck flare up consist of occasional episodes of pain from my neck trying to stabilize itself and my left hand not being able to help me open candy wrappers.  Lost some fine motor skills on that side.  I dropped my left rein once during my lesson which is a nuisance.  

Can I just get a new body?  This one is defective.

But I'm starting to feel like my old self again.  I have to stay on top of anti-inflammatories and use ice if I'm starting to get symptoms but it's all pretty manageable.  The hubby still insists that I not jump or ride unsupervised but that seems reasonable considering my latest x-rays and the horse I have.  I do have bone spurs and issues that would be a problem if I fell again.  There's no shock absorption left in my neck.  I know as well as any equestrian that falls are a matter of when, not if, but I can avoid courting disaster and can remove situations where I'll be moving at high speed toward an obstacle.

My next lesson is set for this Saturday since I feel fine after my first lesson.  We're scheduling a whole 60 minutes this time but planning on lots of breaks.  My legs were sore and tight after my first lesson.  I forgot what a lazy ass my horse is.  Since I don't seem to have completely lost my seat, I've been greenlighted for spurs.  Thank goodness.

OMG

 Who's got two thumbs and a riding lesson for this Saturday?

This girl!

Me and the hubby at Beyond the Eats with Alton Brown.  I'm such a fangirl of his.

Yes, all my lovely readers, I get to ride Theo in a lesson!

It's not as exciting as it sounds.  It's more like a 20 minute pony ride with supervision but I'm excited.  Super, super excited.  I visited Theo last weekend to give him his spring shear.  I removed half a wheelbarrow worth of fuzz.  I'm not exaggerating, I had to use a wheelbarrow to clean up the hair.  I didn't get a picture but it was ankle deep on him.  I was up half the night sneezing up a small pony's worth of hair that I'd managed to inhale.

How about a picture of me and the hubby at a 5k instead of me sneezing up horse hair?

After clipping, I ended up hanging out and talking to some riders while watching some rides.  I had so much longing as others tacked up their horses and rode them and discussed their show season.  I wanted to ride my damn horse!  But I agreed with my husband (and my mom and the chiro and half the eastern seaboard) that I would not ride Theo without supervision.  By the time I left, I was knew I needed to message Trainer Z and try to set up a lesson time.  She was eager for me to have a lesson and booked me for 30 minutes on Saturday.

OMG.

Now I have to find my stuff!  I last rode in June and it was all in my Western tack.  I had to actually order a new set of breeches (the Covid 15 is no joke).  I found my tall boots in the back of my closet and my helmet was hanging up near them.  It's supposed to be 46 degrees so a long sleeve shirt and a vest will round out the outfit.  All the rest of my gear is already there, waiting for me with my horse.  I may or may not have taken advantage of a discount code to get Theo a whole new set of gear in lotus pink from PS of Sweden . . . 

And yes, Theo is still mine in the ways that count.  We had a major make out session during his post clip groom.  He loves getting curried right after a clip.  Even my fantastic Haas curry comb can't get right to the skin when he's in his full winter coat.  I was grooming him, he was grooming me, it was like nothing changed.  He still comes when called, even with his buddies and his ridiculously large hay bale waiting for him.  I wormed him for Trainer Z since he's still easier for me to handle.

Oh, and he's still an asshole.  He apparently escaped from his stall one day just to show a new employee that he could do it.  Stood in the aisle and chilled until someone made a fuss about him being loose, then scooted back into his stall.  They added bars to his stall so he can't hang his head out since he's basically unstoppable when he can reach the latch.  He also busted loose on the lunge again.  Seriously, Theo, you're nineteen.  Knock it off!  I warned Trainer Z to lunge him after his clip since he does enjoy doing his naked dance after a clip.  Those toddler stallions have nothing on him.

If all goes well, I'll get set up with a once a week lesson.  It will be the only riding I do in a week but it's a hell of a lot more riding than I'm doing right now.  Theo's actually training will be with Trainer Z, I'm just the owner that comes out to flop around once a week.  But I'm looking forward to it.  He looks so good under saddle now, I want to experience him when he's all fit and tuned up.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my body is up for this.  I feel good, though.  I really do think it's time.

Silver lining

 Yes, sending Theo off to be someone else's dressage partner has been hard, but I'm trying to find the silver lining.  I'm still a horse mom and I still get to do the fun stuff like embarrassing my horse and spending hours making him beautiful.  

Poor pony suffering through a spa day

In some ways I get to be his favorite person.  I can't ask for anything hard in the saddle so it's all about the lazy and the cookies.  There's a lot to be said for being the favorite person.  

And Theo is just as happy with one partner or another.  No, he's not a horse that bonds with people quickly, but he's now very confident that he's going to be treated fairly and rewarded for his work.  I've read that horses can remember people for seven years.  Theo's memories of BC (before Catie) are getting awfully fuzzy at this point.  He's a show horse through and through now, a respected and loved dressage horse that knows the moves and people consider a pleasure to ride.  He'll be happy to have an outlet for his busy mind and a chance to be big and powerful.

When people try to make Theo little is when Theo explodes.  I know better than to try to make him little.  Little is not safe when dealing with Theo.

He has a paddock with brand new sand footing thanks to our ridiculous weather.  Flash floods again last night!  But not a problem with his lovely new run in shed and sand paddock.

New digs!

Trainer Z's outdoor ring is lovely and drains really well.  Her indoor is well underway and should be done for this fall.  At that point Theo will have a stall attached to the arena with a run out.  Or he'll be such a heathen that he has to stay out in the run ins with Trainer Z's stallions.  Could go either way.  Theo acts a bit more like a toddler stallion than any 18 year old should . . . 

Tomorrow morning he gets to work with Trainer Z.  The plan is three months of just fitness, getting his topline back and rebuilding all of that hunky muscle.  Then Trainer Z can spend a couple months figuring out where he's at and if he's interested in doing the hard work again.  At six months we'll revisit and come up with a plan for the spring.  Once he's back in work he will probably meet some potential dance partners but no rush or pressure on that.  Right now it's all about getting him fit and making sure he's happy and ready to get back to his big boy work.

As for me?  I'm already scheduled to come visit at the end of August and spectate as Trainer Z rides.  Once he's back in work and I get the green light that he's safe?

LESSONS FOR CATIE

Probably walk trot lessons but they will be damn fancy walk trot lessons.  It gives me something to look forward to as I shift to life as a dressage horse owner instead of a dressage rider.  I'll be one of those owners that only rides supervised and has the trainer warm up their horse but screw it.  Couldn't be a bronc rider forever.

Acceptance and moving forward

 I've already found my limit for riding.  I sat canter a bit too long and the next day?  I felt awful.  Numbness in my left fingers, seizing muscles all around my neck and shoulders, the works.  Forty minutes and sitting the canter is my limit?  That hurts.  That hurts a lot.  I can't do anything with riding limits like that!  I mean, I could go out for a trail ride but that's not where I want to be and it's so hard for me to make myself stop.  In the moment everything feels fine but the next day, my body is certainly letting me know that it can't cope with that amount of force and movement through my spine.  It's proving very, very difficult for me to ride within these new limitations when I know Theo needs more.  I want to work through something, make progress, but there's just not enough time.  Especially when I'm riding so infrequently.

Also discovered I can't ride this beauty for more than a couple hours without repercussions the next day, wonky discs suck

Theo is off to Trainer Z at the end of the month.  Not to be rehabbed but to finish getting back into shape and potentially meet new dance partners.  She's got a spot with a run in opening up and she's starting construction on her own indoor.  She's got riders looking for a lease and Theo could become a Third Level horse with some fitness and polish.  I would love to show up to shows next season in my big hat and cheer him on.  I would also love to split his bills with someone.  Love that horse but he ain't cheap.

Trainer Z also offered a spot if he needs to become a pasture pet so he doesn't have to move all over New Hampshire.  I almost cried.  It's a chance for Theo to have just one more move and live with someone that really cares for him.  I will visit and take some lessons when I feel good but it won't be my job to fight the good fight.  If it's cold and my neck hurts, I don't have to go to the barn.  That will be Trainer Z followed by whoever she picks out as Theo's partner.  I'll just show up, have fun, and go on my way.  

This setup I can ride all day and be fine, I did a five hour ride with no problems.  Victory!  I look dorky but victory!

It's chaotic right now and it will be expensive sending him off for training but Theo's been enjoying his return to work.  He respects and more importantly likes Trainer Z.  He'll appreciate a trained seat and hands while he learns the big boy moves.  I'll appreciate being able to totally sign off on managing his work schedule.  

Part of me is heart broken that I've already found my limit.  I can't show if I've only got 40 minutes of riding in me.  Maybe it'll get better if he's stronger over his topline but I rather doubt it.  He'll get bouncier, not smoother.  Maybe if I get stronger?  I don't know.  But this time I know it's coming so I can face it and process it.  I'll be selling my jumping and western dressage tack.  They're just collecting dust.  Anyone want a Frank Baines Evolution or a Harmony western dressage saddle?  All of his dressage gear will head north with him even though I know Trainer Z's saddle fits him and she won't be using his saddle.  Better safe than sorry.

Don't tell the neurologist about this outing

I've given notice to the current barn.  I'll always be grateful to them for giving us a place to land and giving Theo the opportunity to settle after . . . whatever was going on.  His teenager is off to college this fall so this is only a little earlier than she was expecting.  Legs's owner just picked up a new mare so her dance card is very full.  I start orientation Aug 9 for my DBA program.  It's kind of the perfect time for Theo to quietly slip away to go be a professionally trained horse.  

I'll sneak in a few extra rides while I can.  And Trainer Z is down for me to come up for lessons where I'm the busted adult ammy owner that wants to play pretend.  I have nothing to prove, I paid my dues and rode the big bucks.  We both know I'm not a wimp, I'm just busted.  I have limited miles and I want those miles to be the fun parts.  Maybe I'll ask to ride her Grand Prix stallion Muffin and see what a piaffe feels like . . . 

With lots and lots of Advil, of course.

Serviceably sound

 I had a consultation with my chiro that I see every week for treatment.  After the neurologist blew me off with zero answers I've been relying on her to help me deal with this situation without going straight to surgery.  She's armed with x-rays (has her own machine) and my MRI.  She's also been treating me for over a year and tracking the changes in my posture and symmetry.  I get pictures taken every 3 months to evaluate progress and I always, inevitably, wear something very unflattering.  I will not be sharing.

If I were a horse, my injuries would be called 'old, cold, and set'.  I have bony changes in my neck, sad wonky discs, and the remnants of at least one traumatic event in my soft tissues (probably more, let's be honest, I've been riding a long time).  I would not pass a vet check and sure as hell would look lame after a flex test.  Range of motion in my neck is diminished and I would struggle with collected work.  But, following the analogy, there's no reason to put this old campaigner out to pasture just yet.  I need maintenance and a thoughtful training plan but I'm serviceably sound.  I just have to make good life choices and listen if my body says that it's too much.  I'll be looking to get a PT referral from my primary care to help me strengthen my neck and core.  I need to be careful but this is more degenerative than acute.  Which isn't good but hey, take what I can get?

via GIPHY

Things look better than they did a year ago.  What's left is the stuff that isn't going away.  We're actually right on time for our goal of letting me try to ride again to see how my body does after a year of treatment without regularly beating it up.  It's not going the way I expected but hey, horses never go the way we expect.  As my chiro said, I'm no longer at an increased risk of paralysis so I might as well live my life.  I know the risks.

Twice a week rides is my current goal, starting at 20 minutes in the saddle and working up from there if it goes well.  No jumping.  No sitting trot.  Those are important and part of the agreement between me and my chiro.  There will be lunging or someone else getting on him before each ride until he's settled into his program again and even then it might continue.  That one is the agreement with my husband.  

I rode for 20 minutes last night after my friend worked him for 15.  10 minutes walking, 10 minutes rising trot.  I felt fine this morning outside of some rarely used muscles being tight.  It's going to be hard to not over do it since it feels like coming home.  It took about 2 minutes for me to go from 'oh my gosh I'm riding' to 'dude, this is my left leg, get off of it'.  Theo is about as out of shape as me so he was being a bit peevish about having to go correctly.  And having a second rider get on when he'd just finished having to do canter transitions with the first one!  He started to curl and get behind the bridle while stomping his feet.  Ah, yes, memories.  Kick, kick, kick the pony and get him back out in front of my leg while giving him a nice long rein so he can stretch.  He blew through his nose a couple times once he relaxed and I knew we were good again.  And then my Fitbit alarm went off and I realized my time was up already.  UGH!

My friend was watching and commented 'you ride him better than me'.  What can I say, Theo is not your typical dressage pony and I've invested a lot of years into getting him unlocked.  

Fancy, fancy pony

So we have a plan.  6 days a week is the goal for Theo, 2 days a week is the goal for me.  It's going to take a lot of help to get us back in action but help is coming.  My friend has volunteered for the weekend shifts and Theo has a meet and greet on Thursday with a teen looking for a ride this summer.  With three of us coordinating around his schedule, my gorgeous, wonderful asshole of a horse should be getting all the love and exercise he needs.  And so long as he's getting what he needs, he can play school master for his mommy while she sees what her body is up for.

Perfect

 It's been a month since I got word that my horse's behavior had gotten so bad that he was considered a liability and had to leave.  He couldn't be used for the lesson program because he was bucking kids off and bucking with the trainer.  Today, my brave friend swung into the saddle to check out what is going on.  We set her up for success with days of consistent lunging work and starting out today with 10 minutes on the lunge line.  My friend saw him trotting around on the lunge like a lead line pony and got on with zero concerns.

Somebody thinks they're fancy

Turns out she was right.  Theo didn't put a foot wrong.  He tested her, of course.  He wanted to see if she was serious about him traveling with his haunches in the same zip code as his shoulders.  Once he was done testing, I swear that pony was genuinely happy to get back to work.  He licked his lips, arched his neck, and worked his overweight booty off.  He's barely First Level fit but he at least offered the behaviors and looked very pleased with himself.

This was him at the end of his work out when I finally took a breath and realized he wasn't going to spontaneously transform into some sort of demon.  As my friend reminded me, I let her borrow Theo when she was recovering from surgery because he was so safe.  He's getting daily attention and spending 24/7 outside.  Apparently that's all he needed.

We've got a lot of work to do.  He's weak over his topline and in his hind end.  Not a surprise.  His old stifle stumble is back so we know where to start.  Transitions and pole work for days.  He looks surprisingly sound considering he's been off all of his supplements and shod wrong behind.  Give him a couple weeks of consistent, quality work on nice footing with his good shoes and I think his hind end will look much better.

I found out Trainer Z is going to be visiting a lot this summer since there's a lady that needs a lot of help with her horse.  Score!  We'll see what I can arrange.  My friend may ride him, I may ask Trainer Z to ride him, maybe I'll even take a lesson.  After all, I did get on him today.

Once he'd been worked for about 40 minutes, I put on my helmet and got on for a couple minutes.  He's always been good about taking care of me when I'm not at my best and today was no exception.  He trotted around like an old school pony while I tried out posting.  It felt fine so next time I may actually put on my breeches and ride for more than two minutes.  Baby steps.

I don't know where this is going to go but I did dig out my riding clothes that I'd bagged with the intent of giving them away.  After observing Theo's ride today, I've actually got several volunteers that want to help keep him in 6 days a week work.  If he's going to be getting six rides a week from experienced dressage riders, Good Theo may be here to stay and Good Theo?  That's a horse I can ride even with my diagnosis.

Fingers crossed but my summer is starting to look a lot more horse-centered. 

Will I, won't I

 My husband suggested I sell Theo since it's been over a year since I last rode.  What's the point of paying for a horse that I don't ride and don't even visit?  I burst into tears and said I don't visit because if I do, I will get on and ride.  Well, he's coming home.  Now what?

Part of me is excited.  My pony is coming home!  I can brush out his ridiculous tail and dress him up all matchy matchy.  I had him 1.5 hours away to keep me from being tempted but that is going away.  While I have a lot of things that will be disrupted and upset by this, including potentially my health, I would be lying if I said no part of me was happy that Theo is coming home.  But that's the danger.  It's so easy for me to just slip back into old patterns with no real concern for the risk.  Humans are so good at rationalizing things they want.

I'm at increased risk.  No, it's not as bad as the neurologist was telling me and simple chiropractic care has brought the tic and the pain completely under control.  The pressure on my spine has been relieved and the curve of my neck has been changed.  Chiro didn't seem bothered by me riding but didn't want to see me getting thrown around (like, say, a horse bolting on the lunge line like a certain gorgeous beast likes to do).  But all of this improvement has happened without the trauma of horse back riding and the discs are still going to react badly to me being lawn darted.  And there's the collection of blows to the head I've had.  I'm not a twenty-something any more.  I don't bounce.  It's not the sport that's changed but me.

It's different now because I know I'm fragile and I know my horse has a mother of a spin.  Pretty big buck, too.  He's 17 now but showing no signs of slowing down.

From his Coggins, he has so many grey hairs on his head that they have officially added a star to his markings

My husband is not happy.  Neither is mom.  They don't want me to get on Theo right now. It's a fair request.  I'm still struggling with getting in contact with any barns.  The few that have replied have all been full.  I'm visiting a place this afternoon (the place he was at last summer) so I'm hopeful.  I've got two friends that are very experienced horse people there to help remind Theo of the rules of ground manners.  One is looking for a ride while her horse is recovering from an injury (Dorkzilla and Legs's owner) and she's sat far, far worse than Theo can dish out.  Premium WB mares have mad skills.  We could potentially get him less feral and still send him off to Trainer Z when she has a spot.

I love this horse too much to just dump him as a cheap sale.  Would I free lease him to an experienced dressage rider with a trainer I know?  In a heartbeat.  A little polish and he could go right back to being a Second Level horse that is knocking on the door to Third.  But people aren't looking for horses like Theo that require very regular work and still only get 5.5 or 6 for a medium.  And don't have a consistent change.  Even as a free lease, there's no market for him.  Hard pill to swallow but there it is.  He has no value outside of what I see in him.  People looking for mid-level dressage don't want to deal with a horse that occasionally does his impression of a land porpoise unless they're getting amazing scores.  His scores are good, not amazing.

As my husband said, Theo has the attitude and behaviors of an upper level horse and needs an upper level rider.  But he doesn't have the scores to support an upper level rider's ambitions.  Go figure.

Will I go back to riding?  I don't know yet.  This sudden change is still settling into my brain.  I want to ride him but I have to be smart about it. Either way I'm getting my truck and trailer ready to go pick him up.  Truck needed $3k of work, go figure.  New tires are on the way for the trailer.  Theo's spring shots and Coggins are already done and the paperwork is in hand.  Come May, I will be managing the most amazing tail in the region.  What the rest of the horse is going to be doing?  Who knows.  But come the heat of July when he doesn't even want to move, you might find me sitting in the saddle again.

Second Opinion

 I'm sure everyone can appreciate how frightened I was when I was referred to a neurosurgeon.  That's a certain level of 'holy crap' that's not fun.  Impingement of the nerve, degenerative disc disease.  I wanted to ask 'how much longer do I have, doc?'.  I was horrified, frightened, and not at all willing to talk to a neurosurgeon.  I had to do a project for work on the results of spinal procedures (I work for a healthcare cost transparency company) and lets just say, those numbers are not pretty.  40% of procedures aren't necessary?  18% are worse after the procedure?  Those are not odds I'm cool with!  And with multiple levels involved (C4 - C6 for those watching at home) and anterior and osteoarthritis, I was considered 'complicated'.  Ha.  Ha ha.  Ha ha ha.  NO.

Fast forward to me bringing a copy of my MRI images to the chiro. I didn't tell my neurologist, I just picked up the disc and brought it to the chiro.  Fun fact, they must release your images to you and they don't get to ask why.  They are yours and you can have them.  Do not listen to anyone that tells you otherwise, this is protected by law.  I filled out a form and they handed me a disc.  I didn't even see my images before this, I just got a phone call stating that I was being referred to a neurosurgeon.  I was frightened and not even sure my chiro would see me anymore.  That scared me a lot considering she'd ended my SI pain and I really didn't want that to return.  But who would treat someone that was so messed up that she might be paralyzed and needs a surgeon?  I brought her my images so she could decide whether or not to continue treating me.

My chiro showed me my images and . . . I'm not dying.  I have 3 bulging discs from C4 - C6.  C5 is right on the line of 'bulging' and 'herniated'.  It's pushing hard enough to deflect the sheath around my spine but my spinal cord is still traveling in a straight line.  My spine is irritated but not crushed.  She pulled up my x-ray and pointed to the bone spurs she'd spotted before around C5.  My MRI was exactly as she expected.  She's been doing this for 30 years, she's seen some things.  Am I injured?  Yes, absolutely yes.  Is my spinal cord impinged?  Yup.  Do I have neurological symptoms?  Sure.  Do I need surgery?  No, not yet.

Key word:  Yet.  One day I'll have to do something about this.  But considering what's going on, they're going to want to fuse part of my neck.  Which means I'm going to see problems above and below the fusion in the future.  I'm not in pain, I'm fully functional, why would we start that roller coaster before we have to?  So there's no surgery in my immediate future.  It's just chiro, PT, and some Advil for the days where things flare up. 

I'm still not supposed to do things that will accelerate the timeline.  No sitting trot, no broncing ponies.  BUT . . . things are looking up for my return as a h/j princess.  I'll never be able to go back to being the one that gets on the naughty pony without a care but everyone has to retire from that role at some point.  I can work toward loping around a 2'6" course with my butt out of the saddle.  Yes, there's a risk, but a reasonable risk.  At least it gives me something to work toward.

I do like to jump

Theo heads north in 9 days.  It's going to be tough but at least I have some real hope.  I do my PT, I let my chiro open up that space to take pressure off my spine, and I'll be able to put my foot in the stirrup again.  I'm not done yet.  It will be my jumping saddle but hey, that's not exactly a burden.  I do love jumping.

I think my neck situation needs a name but I haven't come up with one.  Wonky neck?  Damn discs?  There's so many options.

Cervical spondylosis and an indefinite hiatus

I really, really thought I was getting back in the saddle.  But a long delayed neurology consultation has brought that process to a screeching halt.

 My horses have always brought me so much joy

Way back in the winter I went to my PCP because I was concerned about some pins and needles problems in my hands and feet.  Fleeting, not impacting my life, but it was unnerving.  While I was there, he observed a twitch that I'd developed but had been attributed to my anxiety by my previous doctor.  It was the first time a medical professional actually saw the way my head will occasionally tic the the side all on it's own.  My little 'tic' went from anxiety quirk to real problem very suddenly.  I wasn't concerned, surely it was anxiety.  Wouldn't there be something other than a tic if I had a real problem?

Best picture of me on a horse ever taken, of course it was with my princess

I went to my consultation and got a pretty thorough examination.  My balance and coordination were overall given an A.  I had a bit of trouble with the 'touch my finger touch your nose' test but I could do it.  Just took me a second to convince my hand to hit the small target.  And he noted my range of motion in my neck is limited.  I shrugged.  No pain, my chiro has taken care of any pain and already told me that I have some bony changes.

He immediately said I was going to go get an MRI of my neck.  Apparently my little 'tic' is actually neurological.  My many years of being lawn darted by naughty ponies is coming home to roost.  My chiro mentioned that my neck was pretty screwy after she took an x-ray but I wasn't actually concerned because I had no pain.  I went to her for my SI pain (which she got completely under control) and I only noticed a difference in my neck when my sleep improved.  Apparently my neck is a bit of a big deal.  A very big deal.

The meathead taking me around my Training level eventing debut

Here's where it gets hard.  I need to avoid irritating my neck while my chiro gets things under control.  She's made a lot of progress while I've been on my riding vacation.  She's not exactly eager for me to go back to beating my spine up by sitting trot.  My neurologist is throwing a flag on the play because I really shouldn't be taking a blow to the head and neck.  Theo is wonderful but he's got a mother of a spin.  It would be very easy for me to have a violent interaction with the ground.  The word 'paralysis' was brought up.  I really, really don't want to be paralyzed.

Mi papi has always been a handsome dude

Theo is going to be heading to a new barn near Trainer D.  She will be keeping him happy and in work.  He's really bonded with her and she loves him.  He will, frankly, not miss me a bit.  He's got a very nice lady that sees him five times a week and thinks he hung the moon.  He'll teach some kids to jump and some nervous ladies to canter.  Trainer D wants to take him to some shows and I can play the part of supportive owner.  I'll wear a sun dress and a big hat.

Best dressage pony

As for me?  I'll keep running (approved activity) and road cycling (approved activity).  I'm allowed to do some mountain biking but I need to buy a neck brace in case of unplanned dismounts.  Full suspension bike is actually pretty easy on the neck and the chiro would rather have me on the mountain bike where I'm more upright.  Neurologist is a mountain bike rider himself and thinks the road is better for avoiding dumb crashes but the neck brace is a solid compromise.  It's almost like he knows what I'm going to do while I'm goofing around on trails . . .

Regional championships

I'm heart broken, no lie.  It's been very difficult for me to accept this.  Will I get back in the saddle in the future?  I don't know.  Posting trot and cantering out of the saddle are not a problem and Theo is settling with age.  It's quite possible you'll see us in the future doing 2' hunter courses with my fanny never really touching the saddle.  My chiro is feeling good about my progress and doesn't think I'll be so limited in the future.  If he completes his transition to perfect school master, he'll be perfect for letting me put my foot in the stirrup again.  But that's not today.  Today, I am starting to pack up his gear and bringing my dressage gear home.

Reviewing our tests at a show

This wasn't the ending I'd planned for my dressage career but we achieved so much, I can't be too disappointed.  I certainly won't throw myself into a desperate attempt at getting those last scores at the risk of more neurological damage.  I'm only 41.  I have a lot of years to plan for and if I play my cards right now, those years will be pain-free and active. 

Champion at New England Western Dressage Championships

So the blog will probably be on indefinite hiatus as it's a horse blog and I won't be in the saddle.  I expect to post the occasional update and if Theo goes to a show, I will definitely post pictures.  Maybe, one day, I'll get the green light and you'll see pictures of me in the saddle again.

Second level super star

Until then, give your ponies a hug and enjoy any chance to get in the saddle.